Tour Highlight
Touring through NSW, QLD, SA, VIC and WA until 13 Dec 2008.
Featured Venue
Belmore, Sydney, NSW
Next up:
Featured Giveaways
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Odyssey is set to explode for its highly-anticipated third event this New Years Eve. Spread acros...more
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Disney’s HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL – Live on Stage!, is based on the smash-hit Disney Channel Original ...more
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Made during the 18 months Justice spent in the US, this doco is surreal, weird, horrendous, fasci...more
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Seen by millions of people around the world, Le Grand Cirque is a jaw-dropping visual feast of br...more
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chris20
Posts:8
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| 03 Sep 2008 12:05 PM |
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| Two dyslexics walk into a bra... |
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chris20
Posts:8
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| 03 Sep 2008 12:08 PM |
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Q: What did the zero say to the eight? A: "Nice belt!" |
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chris20
Posts:8
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| 03 Sep 2008 12:18 PM |
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Three men are standing in heaven. St. Peter is at the gate and says "Before I let you in, I just need to ask you how you died." The first man says, "Well, I just got home from work one day and my wife was lying in bed - there were clothes all over the floor and I knew she had just had sex with someone. I searched all over the house for this guy and couldn't find him anywhere. I went out on the balcony and saw this man hanging from the ledge. I picked up the closest thing I could find which happened to be the fridge and threw it at him. The cord from the fridge got caught around my leg and I went down with it." St. Peter said "Well, that's fair enough, head on in." The next man started, "Well, I woke up one morning and walked around my apartment for a while in the nude. I decided to go out on the balcony for a smoke. Outside I was swooped by a bird, so I ducked, lost my balance and fell over the edge. I fell a couple of stories and managed to grab the ledge a couple of floors down. Out of nowhere, this guy walks outside and throws a fridge at me." St. Peter says "Wow, how unfortunate. You may enter." Finally, the third guy approaches St. Peter and says, "Well, here's the thing, I was hiding in this fridge..." |
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Sparky5115
Posts:8
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| 03 Sep 2008 4:15 PM |
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What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding it's breath! |
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MattyC
Posts:3
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| 04 Sep 2008 7:06 PM |
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Why did the chicken cross the road? It was stapled to a punk. |
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MsTactile
Posts:9
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| 05 Sep 2008 10:36 AM |
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Allergies should have been better thought out. Instead of having alllergic reactions to smaller things like peanuts or strawberries, it should be for larger things like Tigers or Sharks. You'd be out in the jungle and you start to get a rash, so you think "A Tiger must be near by". You go swimming and start to get a runny nose, so you think "A Shark must be near by... I'm also getting a rash.....it must be a Tiger Shark...!" |
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ilan
Posts:5
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| 05 Sep 2008 11:39 AM |
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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: ' To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight.' When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table: ' To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.' |
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austhome7
Posts:51
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| 07 Sep 2008 2:21 PM |
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How to Clean a Cat 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden. 7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly. 8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The Dog |
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hoots23
Posts:3
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| 07 Sep 2008 5:19 PM |
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Eddie: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Eddie: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Eddie, just to be sure.
Eddie: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Brisbane."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Eddie: "Hello Maggie, its Eddie here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Eddie: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Eddie: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Eddie: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Eddie: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock." |
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brushwood
Posts:11
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| 07 Sep 2008 9:01 PM |
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What's the difference between Erotic and Kinky?
Erotic you use a feather.
Kinky you use the whole chook! |
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88dreamers
Posts:4
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| 07 Sep 2008 9:27 PM |
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In 2009 the government will start killing all mentally challenged people. I started crying when i thought of you. run my little retard! save yourself! |
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b2fly72
Posts:1
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| 08 Sep 2008 10:48 AM |
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What's old and wrinkly and hangs out your jocks? Your Grandma!! |
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cherubpie
Posts:1
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| 08 Sep 2008 2:18 PM |
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What's tall, hairy, lives in the himalayas and does sit ups all day?
The abdominable snow man! 
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pbr81
Posts:1
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| 08 Sep 2008 11:06 PM |
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Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.' The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.' 'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.' 'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit' |
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shaunp
Posts:370
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| 09 Sep 2008 10:45 AM |
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| Thanks for the entries everyone! Winners will be alerted by email soon. |
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| Topic is locked |
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